3 -Five Nights At Freddie Benson's (Or How the Minions Ruined My Life)
by knightoons
Summary: Shrek recounts the tale of the time him and Joe got absolutely fucked up at a pizza place 6 years ago. At first it was just a bit of playful banter, but then the minions started getting vicious. An epic tale from start to finish about the struggles of three young entrepreneurs diving into the world of minecraft. Can Elsa save these two young boys with her voice alone?


Tom opened the door, his hands shaking like a jelly with wobbly tits during an earthquake. It was destiny. Shrek had come back, after running away with Adam.

Sure enough, there Shrek was in all his swamp-green glory. Tom gasped a little as he locked eyes with the fit ogre.

"Oh hello!" Shrek chuckled, "surprised to see me?"

Tom couldn't even find his words. It was as if his words had been taken away and buried somewhere and all he was given to find them was a map drawn in crayons by a mentally challenged ogre-baby.

"Well," Shrek said slowly, "can i come in?"

"Come inside," was Tom's sexual response.

Shrek looked around and took in his surroundings. Joe Wallace's house was truly a sight to behold. We're talking vintage memes and the rarest of pepes. Even in the bathroom Joe had framed chuck norris memes from the 2004 era. Wow!

"Adam would love this place!" Shrek exclaimed.

"Adam," Tom uttered coldly. He had completely forgotten that Shrek was taken. Stolen from his grasp by the beautiful meme machine that was Adam.

Tom took Shrek for a tour around the house, and finally introduced him to Joe.

"Joe?" Shrek asked, puzzled. "You don't mean… Joe Wallace! We already know each other!"

Joe walked in, with a handful of memes. "Bloody hell! If it isn't my old acquaintance!"

Tom thought to himself "shrek you fucking whore"

The three gathered around the fireplace and discussed all of Shrek and Joe's past adventures.

"Do you remember that time we were stuck in the pizza place for five nights?" Shrek asked.

"Remember it? It haunts me every waking second of the day!" Joe chuckled heartily.

Intrigued, Tom inquired about this supposedly epic adventure.

"Sit down and crack open a nice cold meme!" Joe said excitedly, "this is a great story."

Night 1

The pizza place was cold and wet, like a jelly that had been in the refrigerator for one too many months.

"fucking tits!" exclaimed Joe. "it's so cold that my nipples are extremely erect!"

He glanced around at the dark corners of the cold cube that had imprisoned him, a box denying him of his freedom. Every so often the sound of a spider scuttling across the walls could be heard, but most of his attention was drawn to the gaping, dark void that lay beyond the doorway. Silence. Silence. Silence. Joe stared into the void, visibly trembling. Silence.

The phone rang.

Joe LITERALLY shat his pants in fear. After collecting himself, his greasy cheeto fingers wrapped around the phone and he brought the slimy plastic to his ear (which was consequently also slimey due to the grease from his hair).

Matty B Raps was on the other side of the line! Wasn't that wonderful!

"The moment I laid my eyes on you. Never knew that I'd be rollin with you. Cause girl you got me hooked on you. Everything that you do. You got me hooked on. I can't help it. You make me get a little crazy. I'm spending all my time with you. Cause oohhh. You got me hooked on you. You got me hooked on you. For real tho bro some spooky ass animatronics are coming to fuck you up."

"ok then lol" Joe said in response, slamming the phone down with the strength of a thousand men's rights activists. Joe was EXTREMELY into meninism.

All of a sudden knuckles the echidna stormed through the door. Joe looked at him in shock, although he was also slightly turned on by his perfect figure.

"have you seen the chaos emeralds!" Knucks asked.

"Absolutely not, you big red fucking enchilada!"

Knuckles turned his head and grunted like an anime character.

"THIS. IS NOT. OKAY. All these fricking scary animals keep trying to fuck me up just like in five nights at freddie benson's!"

Joe dislocated his elbows. "NO PROBLEM FOR ME BRO! I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!"

Joe whipped out a torch from his sock pockets (or sockets) and went into the abandoned pizzeria.

"i dont know, bro" said knuckles, "i got a spooky feeling about this place!"

they were in that room with the tables and all the party hats. Just then foxy the fucking pirate came in! He was one giant motherfucker!

"rats!" cried knuckles.

Joe whipped out a handgun and shot foxy fifteen times in the knees.

"that ought to show the little shit nose!"

"what to heck!" cried foxy.

Joe hacked off one of Foxy's legs and fucking shoved the entire thing up his ass.

"that's fucked up bro im out," knuckles said.

then joe went "horray! yay! hooyay! rayay, hoo, hooray, yay! hooray! yes! i did it! finally, i got through the first night! yes! nice. Good work on my part. fantastic. can't believe i actually did it! i could go for a nice slice of -hooray- pizza right now! yesss. hooray. nice. okay. cool. alright. i did it."

and with that, he gleefully trotted off back to his office.

Night 2

The voice message played.

"Ay, what up my B boy! Congratz, you made it but don't get too relaxed. It's getting harder every night aight! So watch yourself out there, I wouldn't want one of my fans getting hurt. Check out my cover of G6 on youtube too once your done here. Peace!"

"I made it through the first night!" Joe thought to himself.

However, while he was thinking in his head, the animatronics were already on the move. He looked at the camera and a proper scary jump scare made him literally jump out of his seat and fly back to the back of the room. His device slid over the remains of tomato sauce all over the floor and went underneath his desk. Joe crawled through all the crusty bits of pizza and speciality sauces from 1987. He grabbed the device, covering it with grease and crumbs. While still under the desk, he saw something in the corner of his eye. He held them up and saw that they were goggles. These weren't any ordinary goggles, however, as they were minion themed. MinionGoggles™.

"Strange…" Joe whispered.

Joe was a hardcore minionator and new that the first Despicable Me film was released in 2010.

"The dates don't add up-". A sudden rattling in the kitchen followed by high pitched jibberish distracted him. He hadn't been checking the camera! What the heck! He checked both lights and luckily no one was around leading to his success of night 2.

Night 3

"Hey dawg. Aw sick! You made it to night 3! Man, you're getting good at this. Almost as good as my cover of Eminem's song, Without me. Check it out on youtube. Okay, peace out!

He stared at the stale crumbs of pepperoni pizza and knew that deep down he secretly wanted to have a little nibble on them. He looked down at the camera and saw that all the animatronics were already on the run and that he'd have to fulfil his pizza desires later on. Enough was enough. His focus needed to be on beating night 3. His concentration soon lead to his mind wandering as sudden hallucinations took over his mind. He saw images of Gru telling him to buy Despicable Me on DVD. Joe already owned the limited edition blu ray copy so he ignored himself and carried on. The images got more violent as Grus eyes started to bleed and told him to avenge his movies franchise. Joe screamed and that was enough to bring him back to reality. The light from the camera reminded him; he had his device open the entire time! What an actual idiot! It was only on 1% battery. He looked around and before the lights went out, he saw Bonnie by the window.

"This is it." He thought to himself. He dropped the camera and closed his eyes tightly...

"Not so fast!" a voice with a scottish accent yelled.

"Shrek? Is that you?"

"Why Aye laddie, I'm here".

Shrek headbutted down the metal door and grabbed the animatronic pinning it to the ground. A sudden gasp came out of Shreks onion scented mouth, stinking the entire room. "LADDIE, LADDIE, IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS! THEY AREN'T ANIMATRONICS THEY'RE-". Shrek's cry was cut off abruptly.

"...Shrek?" He waited in silence. Screams were heard rushing back down the corridors until the room was silent.

"Foxy…"

Night 4

Back again. Trembling in fear, Joe waited for a phone call. Moments later the phone rang. *Bring* Steadily he reached for the phone and pressed it against his ear. First silence, then a voice spoke out to him.  
"Hello, hello, hello! Ummm. Tonight's going to be a bit different to the others.. …"

Joe scratched his head in thought.

"Haha, only joking! It's a fun night!"  
A sigh of relief came over Joe.

"Have you seen the new minions.. cough.. despicable me movie at the cinema? There's so much cool merchandise to buy!"  
Joe remembered the MinionGoggles™ that he'd earlier placed on the desk. He whacked them onto his head and pulled the goggles down over his eyes. "Brilliant," he said to himself, "funny vision I see."

In a rapped way the guy on the end of the phone spoke again, "So, how is it here? Do you like it? Enjoy working here? Yes? That's good! *cough* *cough* Pardon me.. Anyways, I'm sure you'll survive this night, just as you have all the others.."

The phone was then put down and all was left was the buzzing of the fan and Joe's muffled breath.

Stomp, clatter, clash. All the clanking of the animatronics could be heard down the hallways beside Joe. So far so good for him. There wasn't much different going on during this night. Again, closing doors, flicking lights, the usual basically.

It came up around 3AM and Joe seemed worried but he was calm. He hadn't been getting any intense hallucinations recently. Maybe it was just luck or maybe it was the goggles he'd put on earlier. In the background there was some chime playing subtly. The jingle was almost silent but Joe kept his ears open to see if he could hear anything important. … … Could that be.. Just Dance Kidz Despicable Me?

Joe was so carefully listening for the song playing in the distance that he forgot to check his cameras. The music was gradually getting louder and the crashing of animatronics could be heard nearby. They were getting closer and closer every second Joe wasted.

"Oh frick!"

Swiftly, Joe SLAMMED the door shut!

"They're getting in!"

With both doors shut and power draining faster than sanic he sat arms around his legs rocking uncontrollably under the desk.

"Go away!", Joe shook his head, "This can't be true!"

Hallucinations had overcome Joe. All in sight was Dave, Bob, Stuart, and a couple of irrelevant minions from the movie despicable me he watched earlier that week. Joe's thoughts suddenly filled with what happened in the previous night. What was shrek trying to say? He couldn't figure it out.

The clock moved over and the hands kept turning. It had been a long night for Joe but eventually the hands struck 6AM and Joe was free to leave until tomorrow.

Night 5

It was the final night for Joe but what would happen this time? Each night had come with a consequence and no positive outcome for Joe. He'd only just stepped foot into the office when the voicemail played.

"Uhm.. hello? BBoy? Are you there? *Clank* I.. uhm… seem..- *Crash*-to B having a problem.. *Slam* I uh.. wish you luck. Aight? There's a.. *Smack* rubber band under the desk.. *Clank*... it's purple-."  
A scream could be heard down the line and instantly the voicemail cut off.

"What the bloody heck was that?!" Joe said to himself, shaking already.

Joe reached his hairy arm under the desk and swept his hand around hoping to find the rubber band the phone guy had been talking about before the call ended.

"Aha! Moldy and greasy but I've found it!" A smile appeared on Joe's face.

He held it up to his face and inspected it.

"A purple.. ?" He realised he was holding it the wrong way round, "-penguin! Isn't that what MattyB had in one of his amazing rap videos?"

Questions still lay upon Joe but he carried on the night as he would have without finding this object. He placed the band around his wrist and looked at the cameras. "Whoa.. what's that?"  
A yellow mist filled the air and many peculiar noises could be heard around Joe.

"Minions?"

Suddenly everything became silent as if something or someone had noticed.

"Nah. Why'd I be so stupid."  
The noise came back and the footsteps were heavy and the animatronics were quick.

They were so fast that even sanic couldn't keep up with them. Joe could definitely not keep an eye on the animatronics so he looked away from the screen and checked down both hallways finding nothing at first. He sat back down curiously thinking and felt the need to check again but waited for a while, he put the goggles on top of his head away from his eyes.

It had reached about 4AM and Joe decided to check the hallways a second time. He couldn't turn on the lights as if the buttons were stuck with goo. He sat back down believing nothing was going to happen but in the corners of his eyes he saw eyes staring at him and the animatronic suits infront of him. In a quick reaction he pulled down the goggles and instead of them just being goggles he could see bodies, yellow, small and chubby bodies. The minions were inside the animatronic suits begging for help, for their souls to be released but Joe could not believe it.

"And that was how Shrek and I survived five night's at Freddie Benson's!" Joe finished, putting down his cup of wee.

"That was the worst fucking story i have ever heard and I'd like to kill myself now," Leigh said, who was there by the way.

"I have to agree with Leigh on this one" said Tom.

They kind of just sat there awkwardly for a few seconds until shrek said

"Oh shit i just realised i left Adam in the car and it's like 50 fucking degrees outside. gtg lmao"

and that was that!


End file.
